I breathe in and out, savoring each molecule of oxygen entering my lungs. Only moments ago, this room felt like the vacuum of space. A puddle of sweat has congealed beneath me, sticking my bare skin to the floor. My shirt fancied itself a noose, squeezing too tightly, delighting in stifling my breath. Somewhere between the height of panic and the quiet of calm, I lay here floating not certain which direction I will go.
My heart pounds at the steady rhythm of a much too fast EDM beat. I never liked EDM, such an unending frenzy for hours on end. Not dissimilar to my frenzy before ending up on this floor. My breaths are a raspy beat of their own, with no rhythm, only noise. I’m lying in the pitch black, yet there are stars in my eyes. Do I count to the beat of my heart or my quick breaths? My thoughts are too scattered to decide.
Through this pervasive darkness, an ethereal form takes shape above my body. Formed from the stars shifting in my vision. My body, paralyzed, I find my own eyes staring back at me. When wispy fingers grazed my face, I find myself being sucked into the ether above. Suddenly, the beating of my heart slips away and the tightness of my throat no longer matters. I suppose up is the direction I go.
No, not death, but that cautious place in-between. I have become the observer of my own bathroom floor agony. Should I stay? It feels too vulnerable to view myself this way. From here, I look so small, and fragile; a way the world has never viewed me. A way I have refused to view myself. A sweaty, sobbing mass curled in the fetal position and crying out to no one in particular; it all seems so silly in the ether.
I long to stay here, to leave my body behind in its frenzy. I left to protect it from further anguish, it seems my absence makes no true difference. Seeing the vacant stare in my own eyes leaves me fearful. She does not deserve to be so alone, to feel so alone. My hand reaches out to hold hers, to remind her that everything will be okay. She cannot see me; her eyes are mine and she is here with me. That huddled mass is just the shell of us.
With that touch, I sink from above; the grand illusion has ended. I kiss the ether goodbye as the cold tile brings me back to reality. The EDM beat has gone, replaced with the softer bass thump of lo-fi vibes. I am here, and alive though everything is still foggy; I prefer it this way. I wipe the sweat from my face with cold water from the sink but never look in the mirror. I have seen enough of my sorrow from a safe distance.